I’ve been having a complicated situation, something hasn’t felt right for a while, and the word “codependency” hit a cord with me. …I injured myself in an overly extreme spiritual practice last year, it left me weak at times, it’s made me less mobil, yet i can still function quite well in the right environment. i’ve even written books. however my injury almost seemed to create an ‘opening’ for people that spend there time taking care of people just because it gives them something to do, almost like it completes them somehow, it’s nice to have supportive friends, yet it’s gone way over the line when my mom has hired people to keep constant watch over me, they hang out with me and are friendly, but still i need space and variety in my life, it feels contrived and unnatural to have someone she hired living at the house and keeping frequent tabs on me. i even moved to my dads house, yet she will send this person over here to ‘check up’ on me. my dad says this person is great because he will help me improve my mental abilities to ignore things that bother me, as though ignoring all this will be the solution, i feel he has no idea the level of skill and awareness that is already going into keeping me alive after my injuries. it feels this ‘checking up’ behavior comes from a deep fear and distrust of me, they fear i might collapse of dehydration or something they think i don’t know how to take care of myself when i am actually exceedingly skillful at it and have had no choice but to be, if they understood the situation at all, they would realize how much their fear is contributing to the problem. it’s a miracle that i am alive at all, yet their fear and need to keep tabs on me in an artificial controlled way is draining away my last life. they have been very mixed in accepting my injuries, yet if they did it would get much better, they pretend to themselves that y pushing me they are spiriting me back to full health, it’s like they can’t face how dark things are, they have never experienced it, yet if they stopped pushing, i could get like 70% of my former health, and even that would be plenty, instead they want 100% but they will end up with 0%, i feel i am constantly biting my tongue, because their not ready to hear what’s really going on, and maybe they never will be, it’s been a series of compromises. having people ‘check up’ on me every day, for many hours for five minutes, every other day, whatever it is, it effects the way i plan my day, it’s controlling, it makes it harder to use the heath i do have to see a variety of people. it feels like my mom and the guy she hired are always looking for ways to take care of me when i don’t need or ask them to, and it actually makes things worse, having to constantly explain that i don’t need help with this or that right at this moment, being of service to people gives them meaning, yet it’s exactly the way i used to be, and it feels like their are strings attached, they only do this because a certain natural feeling of social connection isn’t fully their, alone time isn’t satisfying for my mom because their is stress in the way she connects, she has to sort of ‘get’ something from people, she fears if she lets me be alone i will be falling prey to her anti-social gene. yet when you have a greater sense of connection to a larger community and variety of people, you/i space things out differently even alone time is satisfying, a prefer a verity of people, and i like feeling connected to large groups, when she is dependent on seeing the same one or two people all the time, her way is unnatural for me, it’s fine for her, but she forces it on me, this checking up thing is exhausting dealing with repetitive forced interactions it puts a dent in my day and actually presents me from getting out, going to public place, hanging out in the park, seeing new people. for my mom we simply have a ‘philosophical’ disagreement, but for me, it takes a toll on my health. she should be thankful to have her heath at all and back off. but i can’t control her. the artificial quality contracts the benefits this person might naturally have, they end up feeling cheated, like they are giving to me and getting nothing, but i never asked for anything. i adapted because my mom forced me to. i hate they way they just go along with what my mom wants, they play into something that is wrong, yet because they are healthy, have money, no one will ever challenge them. this fears and control behaviors will keep getting enabled. my mom is afraid i can’t take care of myself, yet i am exceedingly good at it, and her controlling things has an impact that is real and negative. she has a different ‘philosophy’ then me, maybe it’s ‘gotten her by’ but her way of thinking has always ruled me the wrong way, it’s very self-harsh, and not that my heath has taken somewhat of a hit, i can’t live by this self-harsh approval seeking lifestyle. she calls it ‘motivated’, she can’t see that there is a point when it drops off and takes a toll on your health to be so self harsh, i’ve played out her way of thinking to its end and my health is the result of where it leads, she doesn’t know what it’s like to sit over a toilet for two hours because your bladder won’t work, to have trouble simply walking or speaking, so much of what she says seems ignorant, like she has lived her life on luck and never really suffered or had to understand suffering of others. She has given me some space recently, but asking for it was WAY too hard, and i can tell she is jus thirsty for the next opportunity to control things in my life, something deep hasn’t changed. ill be recovering heath, then she will push something onto me, ill feel like crap because that puts a dent in my wellbeing, and then she will say “look you feel bad, proof i need to be monitoring your relationships” she will say “i know that connection is good” but her actions make it clear that by ‘connection’ she means requiring me to see the same particle people over and over, that she is in charge of my social life / life. so i have to take the pain, and act like it doesn’t hurt at the same time to show ‘i am doing well’, i’mi a fucking genius, yet it’s never enough. it’s a war zone.
One day my friend says he wants to hang out, and i’m feeling like ‘hey life matters’ the next moment my mom is telling me i have a choice between a ‘therapeutic household’, turning an already pushy friendhip into a purely therapeutic session, being sent to a self-help community, living with a constant care-taker, or being given regular ‘training’ sessions (where from what i’ve seen of this so far for the past years, i will be taught to do many around the hose type of stuff, basic and remedial things that i already know how to do, it’s an excuse to make them feel like they are improving soething, it will be like being hit over the head again and again, yet for them feeling like a ‘professional’ therapist is helping us helps them feel safe and like they are responsible and accomplishing something. There need to ‘feel’ secure seems so fear driven and immature like they can’t be happy unless they follow societies instruction book, so much of what society does does not work, i nearly died just going along with things, it seems like the people who survive only do because they end up on the positive side of the luck wave, yet when you are successful you can say whatever you want to say, and blame illness and poverty on a lack of motivation. Why say you got lucky when it feels better in the heart to just take credit, to credit hard work and going with societies values, we overlook the luck involved, we promote values that don’t work, values that half-work and are full of oversights and pitfalls, many others strive after those values and never achieve the same success
In my family and friend circles we have the resources to be happy, and even help spread positive awarness and empowerment tools to the world. Yet everything my parents say seems so oblivious, i feel like i’m constantly just ‘talking the bulshit’ and i’m amazed at my ability to keep a straight face for hours of this, there are so many mind breakingly ignorant statements in every conversation, yet i cant control them, i am not in power here, they don’t seem to understand the kind of waisted energy and raw pain they contrite to by still pushing this kind of thing after all this time, they don’t seem to get the paradox that giving me independence makes me feel energized, giving me the energy to be independent. i finally said calmly and clearly “you feel sure that doing this type of thing given the situation is helping and is the best choice we have given the situation”
My family is choosing the way of destruction and death, they just don’t realize it, it will hit me the hardest because my past ambitiousness has spent away much of my former health, i don’t have as much ‘leeway’ to continue to make mistakes as they do. i need change, their ways didn’t work for me after years, i explore some other things that also ended up not working, it lead me to discover some amazing stuff that does work, yet that whole journey did have a toll, they don’t respect that and they bully me into feeling like some irresponsible kid, i suffer for their ignorance and pride. I don’t want credit for anything i have done, this world makes me sick, yet i can’t stand that the people around me seem to refuse nature itself. My journey put me in tune with nature, yet others won’t take the benefit, and they even push me by reinforcing their same old ways of thinking that have never worked to begin with. When ignorance is reinforced it bogles the senses, i myself agree to things that go against survival and life. I submit to pressure of a ‘large unconsciousness’. It’s not just my parents of course, it includes large heavy chunks of society, that enable and reenforce unhelpful beliefs. My parents have plenty of reference-material so they can feel gratified and right and sleep at night feeling like they have done and said the right thing without ever noticing the pain they have simply submitted to and enabled.
their response is that i havn’t “let it in” enough. so i say again calmly “that means, according to what you are saying, all this has been helping, but the reason it’s not truly working is because there is some choice i am not making that i could be making” I hate when people say “no i’m not saying that at all,” but then they just rephrase what you just said with different wording. It’s almost like they are in denial about the huge problem of so many people accepting beliefs that don’t work, they feel they have to justify something about society that is really not working, because they have built their entire life around it, they would rather keep twisting the wording around to make all this damaging stuff sound nicer than it is. however collective denial isn’t punished like individual denial is, it can even be rewarding when many people band together over a false belief, an illusion, or even something that causes serious pain, like people going to war because it will help them feel a sense of camaraderie they are not sure they could find otherwise, giving them the feeling of being a hero by taking up arms, it almost seems to make war seem like a valuable thing.. when it very much is not. Having a big gun to hold on to can be compensating for a small sense of self worth. Not true for everyone in the military or with a gun, it depends on why you joined, and your ability to find containment in different circumstances.
Some people can’t comprehend what it’s like to be so cornered in a situation where there is no choice, they figure that of course i must have a choice, if i just had more will power or let them do more stuff on me, things would get better right. yet it seems clear that they would push and push until i am in a hospital in critical condition, but i am in pain long before that happens, the raw pain and wastefulness forces me to challenge them, i wish the hospital thing was an exaggeration. it seems clear they will not stop until i am dead, and after i am dead they will still be wondering if they could have pushed harder. my skillfulness allows me to survive yet it may create some sense that there is something anything that is “ok” about what they are doing, if i was a bit less clever i would have been dead a year ago, yet even that wouldn’t change them. some people have ‘successes’ through self harsh behavior, yet these success enable people to keep teaching practices that don’t work an not notice ones that do even when they are freely given and results are demonstrated, it’s easier to flow with the patern already in place, even though it works for 50% and is deviating for the other 50%. those ‘successes’ enable a narrow view that these strategies work for everyone. it’s like i’e had a glass of their poison, yet they won t feel ‘sure’ it hasn’t cured me until i have driken an entire basen of it. even after it kills me they will probably just feel confused or still think it was my fault somehow. for a long time i thought letting their ignorance and stubborn kill me would make them realize their way wasn’t working, yet now i’m not sure even that would work
i like a chelagnge, even significant challenges, yet this ignorance is so dehumanizing for me and many others who have been disempowered by falling into slots of a system full of fundamental flaws and basic misunderstandings about reality, principals of matter, organic life, physics, accepted by large numbers of people. i’ve mad such radical leaps in my understanding of reality, i was so powerless, but i’ve lreand so much, yet i was wondering why some people around me have been receiving the things i’ve leread in a very slow peace meal way, even though i’ve made huge shifts in understanding, many people in my life do things the way they always have as though nothing has changed, they read my book, talk to me, yet it’s like very little has happened, and this freaks me out, my revelations have made a huge difference in my health and well being allowing me to survive with major injuries and pass on huge insights to future generates and friends, yet it seems easy for people to just continue doing the same thing they always have because they didn’t end up on the ‘negative side of it’ as me and so many others, they were never forced out of it though suffering, they can sort of live on a society build on the backs of others, their way of life works for them it always has, it’ just me and the 50% that it doesn’t work for, the people with ‘disorders’ the people who are ill, people that commit suficide, they are sacrificed to keep the system working, and others can just coast, they don’t need to change anything, they don’t need to recognize that something is seriously not working. i spoke with my dad and at one point he says “this works for everyone in society”, and i had to take a major step back and say “society is not working.” it’s like you can live 70 years and never realize how many people juts get sort of ‘killed off’ in the way our society currently works. because the fact is, it does work for say 50% of people. maybe 20% convince themselves it is working even though it is not because they have no choice.. the rest just suffer, living life under tables like “lazy, crazy, unmotivated, disorder,” You doctor, your psychologist, your mayor, you school teacher, you land lord, these people have no reason to change (this isn’ true for everyone in these positions, i’m sorry that i am bashing people or discriminating, many blurred areas), the system is feeding them power and life force, broken people are problems of them to fix, something for them to do, a good thing like food, but not a great thing. even powerful people could be happier is we spent more time and put more value on things like community, inherent self love, and the power of play to generate well being for all ages. yet even saying that, the last one particularly, i feel like i am saying something silly and unatural, yet all of those could not be more true vital and important to human survival.
i hate feeling like life is a constant battle to explain and rexplain, to use words to defend yourself and why your life is worth it, when so much of the will to live has been drained from me years ago, yet instinctively i am still actively constantly taking creative action and using strategy to keep myself alive. it makes me sick, after all this time the world is still actually finding ways to make me suffer, and over things that feel so silly and unneeded too. I feel like nothing i say holds any merit, i’ve been so stead fast using calm logic to defend my life, yet truth has no value, some mass of ignorance is outweighing and crushing me. with my health i appreciate some support, yet it often becomes 5x too much, then people feel cheated, yet they are giving me something i never asked for because of an odd twisted dependent situation, they need to feel they are putting themselves to use, yet going by the book the way society has done things, they are holding back an energetic hub of well being that is trying to natural arise. listing to me, giving me freedom, might put their credibility at risk, there would be significant health benefits in it for them, but it would me now their colloquies are coming to them with questions ‘why aren’t YOU going by the book?’
They cannot see this natural flowering that wants to happen, these invisible currents of light and wellbeing always feeding us that need space and freedom and variety to grow, they want moments to check up on and record tangible signs of improvement, the classic dilemma of valuing the physical too highly over the energetic when there is such a massive amount of energy flowing in the universe, we just can’t see it, we see the matter, but this does not account for all the energy there is, maybe half of it, light is pure energy, and we benefit from it constantly yet we don’t see the particles of light, i see my house because of light, yet i can’t see that my house every inch of empty space inside of it is full of light waves, like a sea of substance, there is a significant ‘life force’ inhabiting my house and every place, yet this life force can fall into decay, or it can be cultivated to flourish, depending on every little thing, how i treat myself, how i feel about myself, even how i arrange my furniture, having elements of color and flavor in your life, reducing things that cause loud disturbing nosies and clattering sounds if possible, making your home comfortable and inviting, so others can easily come in and join you. Too often we tell ourselves ‘man up’ just endure the pain, yet by giving ourselves permission to change things that bother us, the courage to say ‘this looks silly, but right now, i need to sit down, right now i don’t want to be out in the cold, i want to go back and hang out at that dance party even though i don’t have a ‘plan’.’ I had to fight a bit to get a seat near a window, and that’s a problem, it demonstrates a notable lack of understanding from my family why this type of thing is important. they have lack of faith yet i take the cost of it. their act of frequently needing to inspect the flower so to speak, interferes with the natural growth. it took me 27 years to underhand this, and i really had a fast track, many live 80 years and never understand this. yet it is frustrating to have leaned so much, yet face such resistance, it makes me wonder weather people want to be happy, i offer so much free insight, yet they cling to the old way of doing this, the common way that has cause so much pain for so long, that has able a generation of people with quationalbe disorders, and produces new people that feel unworthy and strict with themselves every day
My parents can keep holding out on the believe that the reason all this documented physiological practice they keep pushing and making me repeatedly go through hasn’t worked is because i just won’t ‘let’ it work, that belief that i am simply ‘unwilling’ allows them to keep holding onto a belief that these are effective practices for more then 40% of people, and for people in my condition, it’s their excuse to keep buying into something that isn’t working after over a year of this torture, it prevents them from changing, it prevents them from having to fight for change in -society-, it prevents them from standing out, from looking different, from questioning things, i can’t expect them to comprehend some of the tragedy that is out there without experiencing it, even if you can’t comprehend a dying persons pain, you should still respect that they are in pain and respect their wishes, for the good of humanity as a whole. My parents aren’t as injured as i am, yet in 20 years they may be on their death beads or facing chronic pain and physical limitations not unlike what i’m facing right now, yet if they fight me every step of the way on how to enjoy the life we do have, they will and are being effected too, their remaining life will be a battle. -I’m doing all i can do and more-, i constantly amaze myself at the ever adapting crafty ways i manage to stay alive. yet i’m not convinced that they can’t offer me some more basic independence from controlling needs to keep tabs on me. I’ve put up with it for over a year, they always have the gull to threaten something even worse, for them it’s not even a threat, they think they are making practical suggestions that sending me away to a ‘self help group’ into a hailstorm of self-improvement projects will be a good thing for me to take on, yet more examples of critical gaps of understanding. Knowing what i know now even if i was healthy, my priority would be creating a friend/community net work, not turning myself into a constant self improvement project. they can’t see that their current plans and methods will never produce the results they desire. What they suggest is wasteful, unnatural, destructive, it’s not ‘motivated’ or healthy at all, nor is it ‘open minded’, it hurts them too. They may be older then me, yet they still have their health, so they can spend it how they like, their beliefs won’t be challenged. They weren’t hit by the disorder diagnosis and isolation problems of my generation. Their was enough wellbeing in their friend circles to propel them to the good side of the wave of life, they can continue to promote society, and step on everyone that falls through the countless cracks in the system. They would be happier if they listened to me, i’m sharing some basic insights about human health that for too long have gone ignored or unnoticed, but i’m just an injured person, my words have little merit. It feels like my parents want to drag a sinking ship all the way down into hell just because holding onto a few outdated artifacts or heavy books gives them a sense of safety and a feeling of producing something, that is deeply misguided. This is a bit rambly i know, thank you for listening, hope there were some useful nuggets in here. When my grandma was dying my mom and her six sisters would hold these regular meetings, it always felt like an ordeal somehow, conflicts about what to do, not wanting to accept what was happening, giving her all kinds of drugs and procedures. I feel like grandma really suffered. There are better ways to die, yet everyone seems to be jumping aboard some kind of control scheme, people that shouldn’t even be involved draw out the dying process of others, keeping them in hell, in limbo dancing on a final shred of life for years, painfully kept alive with drugs and an army of nurses in some white room somewhere. Society doesn’t embrace death, no not one bit i’m afraid. We look into the minds of others for solutions, so when our time comes, we won’t have to die. So many do this, it legitimizes the fear behavior, we get degrees in it. Entire fields are clouded with false beliefs mixed in with partial-truths. Collective fear bonds us together, and creates a witch-hut for an entire 20% to 40% of the population. It’s good enough to keep most of us alive, so we crush the others to stay alive by these methods. we are eternally curing disorders and solving mind problems and emotional disorders that aren’t really mind problems or emotional disorders. we aren’t feeding off the energy of the community, we aren’t having collective fun together, a huge amount of our population is in poor physical health, we ignore this fact. Instead we attribute the poor health, the missing cellular nourishment, to a lack of motivation, “your not working out enough” “your lazy” “your not studying enough” “your not working hard enough”. It’s an endless cycle of trying harder and getting no where. A society that fears death suffers, and it shortens the life spans of the healthy people as well, the people that have it best, still pay a price for this. change is uncomfortable at first, it digs up a lot of shit.